What is it about Fear?

I've been doing more reading as of lately than I have done in a while.  I think reading is a wonderful way of exploring outside of our own minds yet at the same time stimulating a deeper look at our own minds as well.  Fear, Love and Faith are what have been on the forefront of my reading as of lately.  Where does all the fear come from in the world today?  the book i'm reading says "Our childhood conditioning was most probably saturated with beliefs stemming from words such as : impossible, difficult, have to, should, can't, do/don't, no/never, bad and doubt.  Millions of seeds of limitation and doubt were planted in our young and impressionable minds."  When I read this it really got me to thinking.  What are we teaching the generation we are raising??  Are we encouraging them...or are we discouraging them all the while convincing ourselves that its a form of protection and love that a child needs in order to survive now and learn lifes experiences.  Is this a scary world we live in?  It is if that is what you choose to put your focus towards.  Whether talking about myself or the lives God allows me to enter into on a daily basis, I have found myself reflecting on what kind of influence I have on others and if any what path this leads them to.  Am I encouraging, supportive, loving, empathetic, sympathetic without enabling destructive behaviors, kind, selfless? Or am I discouraging, creating limitations, being realistic to the point of cutting down dreams?  Do I exude love to all or do I give off fear??  Does my Faith in my Savior show in my daily life, in the choices I make, in attitude I choose, in the Love I give??  I think of the children of today...we give them so many donts and cants...what happened to the encouraging words to build them up.  Instead of "Don't fall!"--why not "Land on your feet!".  I know this may see odd to some, but think about the words we choose!  The no 4 letter word motto really has something to it I believe.  So many people let this world be all about fear and doubt on a constant basis.  What happen to Faith, Love and God.  What happened to living our lives to be a living example of God's love, of his faithfulness and his mercy?  He knows we all have free will, he gave us that for a reason.  How else do you think Faith would be such a huge part of belief.  Our thoughts are where our belief comes from and our beliefs dictate our life, choices, experiences, and future.  Its something to think about on a daily basis if not every moment in time.  So what are you choosing?  Fear or Love?  Even in the daily struggles, these are just opportunities to grow, to show God's love, for above all else we know at least one thing...GOD IS LOVE.

Wow its been way too long!!!

OK!  I don't know how easily I can update you on the last 6 months but I'll do my best!  On the career front, nothing new, things are the same and I still love what I do!  Though! I guess I do have a little fun on the horizon in regards to my career.  I am now the Medical Coordinator for Camp Quality of Kansas, this is camp is run strictly by volunteers so this is obviously not a paying position but I am very excited for the experience and know it will be a great and different way to use my experience and education.  The camp has kids that are or have been diagnosed with Cancer, the whole point of the camp is for the kids to just be kids!  I am really excited for this!  It will be from July 10th-15th.  Training day is coming up this coming Saturday so I will get to meet more of the staff that I will be working with.
As for my family, things are going well.  Roy is still at KU working on his degree, he should graduate this coming December!  Poor guy is all alone in KC now though.  Though I've made it up there a couple times to remind him I'm not far away.  Matt and I made a trip up there for his birthday at the end of April and had a great time hanging out with him and my friend Michelle came along as well!  It was a great time and a much needed day away from home for Matt and I!  Very relaxing!  :-)  Melissa is still in Las Vegas and mom and dad are currently doing some traveling but have been residing in Lake Havasu City, AZ.  I on the other hand am still in Valley Center but took a mini trip to Vegas/Arizona to see the family and bring in my 30s.  That's right!  I'm 30 years old (crazy to think how quickly that came about!)!  When I got back my love spent my birthday with me just relaxing, went to dinner (sushi--a fave or ours) and he did a photo shoot with me in downtown Wichita.  If you don't know the area, downtown Wichita has some awesome places to take photos, older buildings, the river, etc.  He truly made it a special day. Later that weekend he joined me with some friends to celebrate with them at The Alley where I got my butt kicked by a 7 year old haha!  Pretty funny but we had a lot of fun bowling and just hanging out with friends.  Here are some photos!

London Bridge in Lake Havasu City

Me on the London Bridge

Mom, Dad, Joel and me ate dinner at Javelina Cantina

Leave it to my sister to make sure everyone knows I'm 30 haha

In Vegas on the Strip, had to get a pic with this lady

Saw some interesting characters out on the strip

This bride decided she wasn't sleepin with a snake but she sure would hold one!

This is a lil dancin guy that just rocked the streets --it was cool to watch

I chose my birthday dinner in pure Cajun style--Melly loves her some crawfish!

Scenery on the trip to Parker, AZ w/ mom and dad

Mom and Dad just can't get enough of the beauty of the land

Parker Dam--deepest damn in the world! Who knew!

A resort mom and dad took me to to hang at the slots--this is their pool/water slide area

Computerman in Lake Havasu City!!

Old highschool friend, Sara Jo, hadn't seen her in a long time, she came to celebrate both of our 3-0!

Miss Julia was the entertainment of the night, tap dancing and all! :)

Miss Melissa has pretty much been there through it all with me!  Love this girl!

Laura and her girls Julia and Anna Mae

Jose & Sara Jo

Love me some Daylee

They really do love each other haha

The Harringtons

Matt and I--Love him so much

My girl Melissa :)

The Scaglione's :)  Love them- and they make adorable kids!

Life is changing...

Its amazing how God works in such mysterious ways!  So fun to be able to trace back all the things that have gone on in my life and see where each little thing built up to something new and wonderful.  I met a man years ago and had no idea what he would eventually mean to me.  He over the past year or so has become one of my best friends, the should i would cry on about the stupid men in my life or the heart ache or obstacles my family was going through...he would take care of me when i was sick, without even complaining...he wanted to be there for me, take care of me, protect me, just be with me and spend time with me, laugh with me.  Over time he became more than this wonderful friend to me, he was a man that I wanted to be with, to share my daily life with, to have holding me, and me holding him...my feelings started to evolve into...a crush haha.  Little did I know that he had liked me for a year and I had already effected his wonderful heart.  Well now he has definitely captured mine.  Matt is this wonderful man, living by his faith in God, loving his family and friends and through him God has brought such a renewed sense of blessing to my life.  I am unbelievable happy to have his support, his love, his friendship, his affection, his company, his respect and am happy to give him my heart.  I trust him even with all the fears and insecurities that my past has put in me, I know God will take care of us and guide us where he wants us to go together.  I am incredibly lucky to have found such a man...to think all this time he was right under my nose and I never even knew it.  Funny how that happens haha.

Reflection

Well its been almost a year since I started writing on here.  Honestly I haven't written nearly as much as I intended.  But all the same, I've enjoyed it.  I really wanted to have it as a way to just put some of my thoughts down but also a way for some of my friends and family to keep up with me and my life and thoughts as the moments of life went by.  And oh how they have flown by.

So much has changed this year, yet so much has stayed the same.  I've enjoyed my first year of home ownership, not as stressful as I thought it would be, there's a large pride to owning a house as a single woman.  I didn't realize it when I was going through the process but so many have been surprised that I would do it all on my own.  That's really what this year has been about for me though...being all on my own.  And I don't mean being a grown up making grown up decisions...I mean being single, but not just that because I've been single longer than just this year.  In September my parents moved to Arizona....I didn't really think it would effect my daily life much, and it hasn't.  BUT...the emotions of my daily life has been different.  The knowledge that they aren't just a couple hour drive away is something I was very aware of for the first month.  It just felt like my family unit, my one thing that had been constant was somehow gone.  But its not, its just altered slightly.

With that alteration I found myself desiring even more to start a family unit of my own...because mine has changed, is different and will never be what it was before.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing...it just is!  All a part of growing up I'm sure.  Though my parents are the grown ups here and I think they more than anyone didn't wanna see themselves move away from their kids, BUT!  God has better plans for them of this I'm sure and they did what they were supposed to do!  With them gone though, it leaves a different kind of loneliness that only really family can fill, hence my desire for my own family becoming stronger.  God and I have had lots of talks.  The Bible says ask and you will recieve...but I can't just believe in that.  Because what God wants more than anything for me is to want what HE wants for me!  His plan after all is the perfect plan and I know it is full of good...no!  GREAT! things for me.  I just have my moments where I'm very impatient...though can he really blame a girl...haha!  I know he understands exactly where I'm coming from.  He has after all seen all that I've gone through over the years...

This holiday season has felt...well its felt different.  All the tradition I've ever had in my life has been flipped upside down with the happenings of this past year.  Not just for me but for my whole family.  And though most days it is an unconscious thought in my head, I'm very conscious of it all lately.  My grandparents have all been on my mind...Grandma Ruth, Grandpa Don and Grandma Betty (all in heaven watchin over me right now)...and on that note, Grandma Betty...I just lost her in September.  Not sure that I have every really let myself feel that loss.  This one was so very different from loosing Grandma Ruth and Grandpa Don.  My relationship was different with her...it grew more when i was an adult than what I remember of her as a child.  Occasionally I would drive out just to spend time with her.  We would talk, and laugh, and when I drove her to wherever it was we were going, I would turn on the radio and we would sing...I never knew she could sing until those moments.  It was nice, something I had in common with her.  Its amazing how no matter how long someone is in your life you can still learn from them.  And what did I learn from her....one word FAMILY.  Its something that some people in my family take for granted even today.  I hope try the best I can and always have seen my family as so very important.  Even up to her last dying breath, that is all she wanted was to be together as a family.  And that we were...one last time with her.  It truly tickled her to have the family together, nothing made her happier.  She was proud of her family...especially of her kids.  She even said that being a mother was the single most important thing that she had ever done in her life...that nothing is more important...

Then there is Grandpa Roy and Grandma Rosemary.  And let me just say how very very blessed I feel to have gotten to have another grandma...she loves my family so very much and hardly really knows us still.  After my Grandma Ruth died over 10 years ago...I couldn't imagine someone ever taking her place...she and I had a special relationship...one that I really didn't get the opportunity to have with my other grandparents for whatever reasons.  And then a couple years after her death, Grandpa shows up with Rosemary...who was nothing like my grandma which was weird to take at first.  I mean when all you know is your grandma with your grandpa, it takes some time to adjust to such a change.  But adjust I did and Rosemary is just...a blessing.  I love her so much for the woman she is and the spunk she has.  But more than anything I'm so happy my grandpa was able to find another woman who would love him and take such fantastic care of him, not because she has to, because she WANTS to and would have it no other way.  They are so amazing to see together.  My time with them this summer was so much fun.  I miss them often...especially around the holidays and wish they were closer.

I didn't really sit down tonight having any clue what I was planning on writing...just knew I had things on my mind.  My family will be here for Christmas in a few weeks...so new traditions will be starting.  I'm so excited to see them...they will never ever know what special place they hold in my heart...words can just never be enough.  A close second are my friendships.  This past year some of my friendships have become so much stronger...and some have simmered away.  I've had to say goodbye to some very special people who forever touched my life and left an imprint on my past.  For all these relationships I am so very blessed and grateful.  I look forward to the next year and what God has planned...I had no idea when i said this a year ago he had so much change in store!  We'll see what the next year brings!

One Last Christmas - Matthew West Official Music Video

This is a beautiful song that reminds me of so many little lives that have been lost in the time I've been blessed to be a nurse in the PICU. So many of these families go through so much and still keep up their hope and courage through each day never taking the next day for granted. Just another reminder of the beautiful children that touch my life every day and why I love what i do no matter what the end result, the important thing is that I do all I can to care for these families and their children and show them love and support the best I can.  Their strength and endurance in the hardest of times is always amazing to me.

Reflection on a wonderful Grandma

Its been a busy past few weeks.  I'm continually reminded of how very blessed I am to have the people I have in my life.  Its amazing how God just puts people in your life when you need them most.  My life has gone through quite a lot of transition the past week or so.  On an exciting note, I assisted my parents in moving to Arizona where I know they will find a new way of life and I have full faith God will bless their time there.  I'm so proud of them for following God's will for their lives even if it meant a lot of heart ache along the way.  I'm excited for this new chapter in their lives.  It is hard though, this will be the 1st time since this family began that we are not all in a close distance to each other...I know we'll make it work, and could make for some interesting holidays from here on out!  

It was with heavy hearts that we lost my grandma Betty on September 3rd.  We were all at her bedside in the hospital room as she took her last breath.  Its the hardest thing I've ever had to endure watching, but all at the same time peaceful.  She was tired and was ready to go and she had just what she wanted...her family at her side, all loving her and loving each other.  I couldn't imagine the pain my Aunt Karen, Uncle Randy and my mom have endured for i couldn't imagine loosing my mother.  I know its all a part of life, and she did have a great life, and she lived!  She lived for her family!  Just moments before she passed she said the best thing she ever did was be a mom and eventually being a grandmother.  She said as far as she was concerned it was the single most important thing a woman could do and she was so very proud of her kids and grandkid...that she thought she did a pretty good job :)  Some of you may see it odd that i'm posting this now, but due to moving my parents we were unable to attend the funeral.  So this is kind of my own little service to her.  Remember her...her eyes with such sparkle for life, her love for her family and the traditions we carried on for years, and one of the things i will remember most is her laugh.  I'm happy to say all of us girls got the giggle genes and i'm so glad because now when i get the giggles i know I will think of her.  It was so amazing to get to know her in my adulthood, grandparents hold such a different place in your heart as you get older than when you were a child.  She gave me the best thing i could ever imagine and that is a wonderful mom who loves her children more than any other people on this earth.  She has amazed me this past week in the loss of her mom, her strength is just unbelievable.  I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful woman to look up to in my life and even luckier that she is my mom.  

The following poem was the poem I was lucky enough to pick for the program for the funeral services.  

God looked around His garden

and He found an empty place,

He then looked down upon this

earth, and saw your tired face.

He put His arms around you 

and lifted you to rest.

God's garden must be beautiful.

He alwasy takes the best.

He knew that you were suffereing,

He knew you were in pain.

He knew that you would never get

well on earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough

and hte hills were hard to climb.

So He closed your weary eyelids,

and whispered, "Peace be thine."

It broke our hearts to lose you but

You didn't go alone.

For part of us went with you

the day God called you home.

I will forever miss you grandma but you will always live on in my heart and in my memories.

New song!

For those of you who know me and know me well, you know i am a huge music person.  I'm always finding new songs that seem to have been written out of my own head!  Well I have a new one people!  If you don't know who Fireflight is then you should!  They are an amazingly talented christian rock band and they have a song called "All I Need To Be"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2z_GWPbPOmY
Go listen to it!  Its awesome!
Here are the lyrics too!

Hoping with each new day
I'm moving forward, I push the fear away
And I let go
'Cause I'm so through with barely hanging on
Leaving what's in the past behind
I come closer to crossing over the line
And I won't stop
Until I get what I've been fighting for
You've said it all before

Tell me again that I am strong
Tell me again that I won't fall
I need You here to fix me where I'm wrong
Take me beyond what I can see
Break me, make me believe
You have made me all I need to be

Knowing all that I can do is be open when You start to move
In my heart
And now my God, I finally hear Your voice
You've said it all before

Who I am is all I've got
And I can't be who I am not anymore

(I am strong, make me believe)
You have made me all I need to be
(I am strong, make me believe, make me believe)


I'm just always amazed at how God is always there to pick us up when we fall, encourage us when we are down, be an ear to hear when we need to vent...he's always there!  I love the part of this song that says "Knowing all that I can do is be open when you start to move in my heart"--isn't that all we ever want is for God to move in our lives.  I mean he can give us a life that we couldn't even image up and it is so much better than anything we ever dreamed!  I know we all have a hard time giving up everything to him, but imagine if we actually did!  Imagine what kind of works God could do for us and through us!  I'm just saying...think about it!